Doubt – Maybe I am not fit for this job after all. Maybe I was wrong.

Emptiness – After a whole week of burning the midnight oil, I was exhausted and felt completely defeated.

Fear – What if this can’t be remedied? What if this happens again?

Guilt – What if I just inflicted irreversible damage to my company’s reputation?

I felt completely crushed under the weight of this enormous setback. And if it weren’t for the fact that my God is unendingly faithful, I would have already crawled into a corner and bawled, wallowing in my defeat. But…

Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives

Bad days come and go, but the Lord reigns forever.

When I choose good manners over bad in public, my primary concern is what others think of me. Surely part of it is what they will think of You. But mostly, I care about what they will think of me.

When I choose not to lash out in anger but rather respond with grace at work, my primary concern is how I will be portrayed to those around me. I want to be remembered as someone who was patient and loving and kind. Surely part of it is how they will remember You. But mostly, I care about how they will remember me.

When I choose to post things on facebook, my primary concern is letting people know that I am trying to live a “faithful” life. Surely part of it is how they might be encouraged and how You will be magnified. But mostly, I care about the picture of me I am allowing them to paint.

The truth is, who I am in public, who I am at work, and who I am on facebook is not entirely who I am. It is always a bit more who I want to be, who I want to be remembered as, and who I wish I were.

But who I am when we are alone, just You and me, that’s the real me. Yes, my family sees the bad me, in fact some of the worst me, but You alone see the real me. How I act when it’s just You and me, that tells You what I really think of You. And right now, I am telling You “not much.” If I can’t sin when others are looking because I am afraid of them, but I can sin without a second thought when the only eyes I need to fear are Yours, I am telling You that I don’t care a lick about what You think. Your opinion doesn’t matter to me.

But that’s not what I want to say to You. I don’t want that to be the story I tell. I want to love You with a fierce love. I want to love You more than I love everyone and everything else. I want to love You with every ounce of energy I have and every breath within me. I want what I do in the secret place to shout loudly that I love You.

Make my desires and my reality collide before You. Make my heart look like Your heart, O Lord.

He challenged me to love them more, as my real children. And He gave me the privilege of taking another child. 비이 from Peru. Then He revealed something to me. He had given me the desire of my heart. I had wanted four children, and now I had four children. These were not my sponsored children. They were my real children that He was giving me through sponsorship. Oh what joy I felt to realize I am a mom of four beautiful children. Oh what joy I felt to realize how much I have been blessed.

And now as I write this, how I laugh at myself. I wasn’t always like this. This is how God has refined me. I used to be so selfish that I didn’t even want to give five dollars a month to sponsor a child. How 아까워 that money seemed, how distant that child felt, how pointless the exercise of sponsorship. And now I advocate over and over for it.

Lord you are so gracious to me. Thank you, O Lord, for your faithfulness in loving and refining me to be more and more like you. I pray that you would continue to work in my life and teach me to love these children. Teach me to be faithful over little that you may one day make me faithful over much. Teach me to be faithful as the mother of my four children.

And I pray for my future husband. Help us to become people who would honor you with our lives and our money and our time. Give us hearts of compassion and help us to walk in your ways. I pray that we would love the children of this world as you love them. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

절대로 영어가 없으면 살 수 없을 것이라고, 영어로만 대화를 할 수 있을 것이라고 생각했던 저를 날마다 팀원들과 한국어로 큐티 나눔을 하게 하심을 감사 드립니다. 비록 모르는 단어가 아직은 너무나도 많아 영어를 섞어가며 나누고 있지만 이정도로 발전할 수 있도록 허락하신 주님의 은혜에 놀라고 또 놀랍니다.

글을 유난히도 사랑하게 하시고, 그렇게 들어가기 히들다고 하는 출판업계에 너무나도 쉽게 보내주시고, 저 같은 죄인을 이런 거룩한 책을 만드는 일에 쓰심을 감사 드립니다. 너무나도 모자라지만, 그 모자람 마저 채워 주시는 주님을 찬양합니다.

And I am thankful for the ultimate written word, His Word. Today’s devotional in Living Life covered Psalm 119:111. “내가 주의 교훈을 영원히 내 재산으로 삼았습니다. 그것이 내 마음의 기쁨이기 때문입니다.”  한평생 이 시편기자와 같이 고백하며 살아가기를 소망합니다…

Thank you for reminding me that my feelings and desires DO matter to you. And thank you for being patient with me as I learn to trust you in all circumstances and gladly lay down those desires to follow you. I’m still working on the “gladly” part, but I believe I will get there some day soon because you are worthy of it indeed.

So yesterday was very eventful, even a bit frightening. I blacked out on the subway on my way to work. One minute I was feeling a bit dizzy and nauseous, doing my best to suck in air because I couldn’t breathe well. The next thing I knew, I was on the subway floor, opening my eyes. After some overpriced tests at the hospital, the doctor concluded that my problems were not illness-related. “Fatigue and stress,” he said.

When I am fatigued and stressed to the point of passing out, it paints a very ugly picture of who I think God is. Obviously I am saying he is not powerful enough to take care of my problems, so much so that I need to work as much and as hard as possible to get things done. Obviously, I think he cannot take care of my needs, so much so that I feel it necessary to directly disobey his command not to be anxious about anything (Phil. 4:6). Is this really the testimony I want to share with the world about who my God is?

The easy answer is no. The hard part is actually living it out. Do I really believe God is sovereign and in control of all things? Do I really believe he is omnipotent and able to do all things? Do I really believe that he is good and therefore whatever he gives me is his best? Because according to Rick Warren, you only really believe what you do. So something has to change then. Because either I’m not doing what I believe, or I’m not believing what I say I believe. Something must change. No, something WILL change. My attitude, for a starter.

Today I am thankful that God gave me a warning ticket so that I would stop speeding, and reminded me that he is the potter and I am just clay.

Thank you for an opportunity to obey You radically, even when it would cost me much. I gladly give up my retirement fund for You because I know that my security is not in money but in You. Jehovah-Jireh, our Lord will provide.

Day #3:

Thank you for revealing to me that You hear the prayers of those who have reverence for You. Forgive me for the way that I have treated you so casually, bringing You down to my level. You are holy and dwell in unapproachable light. May I approach Your throne with the awe and reverence You so rightly deserve.

I know God’s character. I know His promises. I know that in all things He works GOOD for those who love Him. I know He is not a wicked God who is out to make me miserable or who finds joy in torturing me or dashing my hopes and dreams to pieces. So when my overly-dramatic and self-absorbed sinful self tries to go the way of thinking such foolishness, I will command myself to be still and know that He is God.

I have been wallowing in self-pity and pain, allowing it to consume me and letting myself simply hurt for lack of a solution to drag myself out of the pit of suffering. But I have spent a good enough chunk of my life wallowing to know that it profits me nothing. It is just a form of pride that desires to focus on myself and my problems. God tells me that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Rom. 5:3-4); and so I hope in Him.

Lord, grant that I would praise you even in my pain, and that even my suffering would bring you glory.

And so it begins. Thirty days of obedience and thankfulness, the antidote to self-absored, prideful disobedience.

Day #1:

Thank you for moments of pain and suffering, for they remind me of how desperately I need You. They drive me to my knees in prayer. They give me opportunities to have more faith in You. And thank you for humoring me. Whatever happens, I will always know that You looked down at Your daughter who was restlessly wrestling with herself, and You chose to show grace through a conversation and a serendipitous encounter.